Friday, August 27, 2010

New Releases!

Some of you may have noticed that I have not posted many zombie-slaying posts for some time now, and there is a good reason for that. I realized, that while I could post my handy hints and tips on the internet for free, I could also make them into a book and charge you through the nose for the same stuff!
So for the past few months I have toiled laboriously to write up a full, feature length manual on surviving a zompocalypse.
And, BEHOLD: My very first published book.

While at first I didn't want to go for the "For Dummies" look, but than I read that the series was one of the most successful collections ever published. Also, there is a For Dummies book for everything nowadays. Every single computer program, every single language, every single hobby. Surely they would publish my internet-renowned zombie slaying guide.
After receiving my acceptance letter, than later, a big chunky Check for a nice $30, I came to the realization that I had just hit the very tip of the iceberg. I could write countless For Dummies books, and they were sure to be published. And at $30 a pop, it would be I and not the publishers to come off laughing.
In the previous months I have worked night and day, spitting out book after book after book. And, though they haven't been published yet, I'm going to give you all a sneak peek into the up and coming additions to the "For Dummies" series.

Now go forth and spend your hard earned dollars on my books!
In the comments vote on which book you would like to read the most, the one with the most votes might just get a sample chapter posted.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Just to Clear Things Up

I do NOT have a stair fetish!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010


    Stairs. Wonder, wonderful stairs. 'What's so special about stairs?' one might ask. Well, where would you be
    without stairs?

    Elevators: The plague of humanity

    'What of elevators?' you may ask, 'They make travelling so much easier and faster!'

    For many years people believed that to be so. Elevators began overtaking stairs as the primary vertical transportation method. Thankfully today, however, people have realised the terrifying threat of elevators and have begun spreading the word through posters and cautionary tags.

    The below pictures are proof that stairs trump elevators:

    Stairs: A History

    "In 1857, a young bearded inventor named President Abraham Lincoln stumbled upon the answer: stairs. Unluckily, he never grasped the full import of his own invention, and died attempting to rocket jump up the world’s first staircase in his laboratory at Ford’s Theatre. Horrified by this tragedy, mankind agreed never to invent anything again, turning its many scientists and scholars to that most noble endeavour, astrology.

    It would not be until 1921 when hot headed Pisces Franklin D Roosevelt, languishing in a hospital after losing both of his legs in a rocket-jumping accident, stumbled upon Lincoln’s notes and perfected the modern staircase, freeing people from the tyranny of the second floor as Lincoln intended. "


    Escalators: The stairs of the future?

    First patented in 1859, but not reaching their full potential until modern times.

    Escalators provide many conveniences that stairs do, as well as extra.

  1. Walk up escalators to be extra speedy
  2. Tired? Just stand!
  3. The joys of walking down up-scaltors and up down-scalators
  4. The escalator spin- (Check this out, it's awesome.)
  5. Unlike elevators, they are still useful in case of fires and blackouts.
  6. However, there are dangers of living in a world with only escalators.

    Stairs and You

    Stairs are forever useful, but unless you have studied for seven years in the field of stairology it is hard for you to construct efficient stairs.

    Unless you're in a computer game!

    Computer games allow you to become a macho hero, an undercover commando, a automobile stealing hooker stomper and now a professional stair builder!

    "Why ever would I want to build stairs in a computer game?" you probably didn't even ask, but I'm assuming you did.

    Like in real life, stairs have many, many applications, like this one listed example:

  7. Getting up to somewhere
  8. However in the case of computer games we can change that too:

  9. Getting up to somewhere not usually possible.
  10. To show you what I mean, here is a gallery of stairs I quickly made up in computer games.

    This simple stair case of a perpetual motion, cold fusion based dispenser and fully automotive turret (with rocket firing capabilities) allows the engineer to get to where only soldiers were meant to get to. This allows a whole new attacking angle for the 'ninjaneer', and with a teleporter can bring his whole team up to this strategically important point.

    This stair case made up of the severed heads of security cameras and the forever lovely companion cube allows you to pass the level using a mere two portals! Getting you gold on the challenges!

    A staircase up to that vent allows you to successfully ambush combine attackers!

    This merely shows that staircases are not only for practical value, but are aesthetically pleasing too!

    This is by far my favourite staircase as it allows you to survive the Combine onslaught at Nova Prospekt(sp?). Climb up the stairs with a couple of gun turrets and hide like the coward you truly are!

    To conclude

    Here is a picture of me... on stairs!

    You may have noticed I have been cleverly MS-Painted out of this picture, that was due to me being nude at the time of taking.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

7 Things That Should Not Exist

I was tagged by Penguins Quack to make a list of seven things I believe shouldn't exist. Easy, I thought and quickly jotted out my answers:
  1. Sloth
  2. Greed
  3. Gluttony
  4. Wrath
  5. Lust
  6. Envy
  7. Pride
But then I thought, these things aren't going anywhere, there's nothing I can do about them, and it wasn't a very personal answer on my behalf. So I formulated a new list, behold:

1. Zombies On Fire
In games and movies it's all well and fine, but when it comes to real life... Zombies on Fire, they are just too damned scary.

2. Sparkling Vampires
I know that there is too much hate on Twilight, but sparkling vampires? Really? Dracula would be rolling in his grave if he wasn't tracking Stephanie Meyers down.

3. This Burger
It has lettuce, tomato, onion, seven pieces of meat and three pickles. THREE! No-one even likes to have one on their burger.

4. YouTube
Not necessarily the website itself, just the videos on it. They are just... just bad. I can't even put it into words properly.

5. Threads on the Internet About Things that Shouldn't Exist
No picture. I'll spare you this time.

6. Rule 34
Don't Google it, whatever you do.

7. The Internet
"But O'Malley, the Internet is a wondrous, innovative communication technology. Never before have you been able to transport mass amounts of data ANY where at ANY time." That's what you think, but the following chart (Provided to you by Science!) says otherwise.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Lightsabers, Chainguns and Flaming Katanas

On my many voyages across the vast, turmoil sea which is the internet, I came across a group of people discussing their Zombie survival plans. While there seemed to be a good many of intelligent people with well thought out, practical plans, they were –unfortunately- swamped out by hundreds of people saying “Lulz, machin rokit launcer FTW, duh” and “I’ll be safe with my trusty laser gun”.

The number of these people concerned me deeply, and I am dedicating this article to all those people who will die in the zompocalypse.

To understand why people think a machine rocket launcher and a laser gun (do they even exist?) is a good idea comes down to one thing. Epicness.

For some reason these people believe that in a zompocalypse they will be able to be the hero. No more job, no more bills, no more mother-in-law. Just them, their flame-thrower and all the babes they could ever dream of. The problem with this is that most of these things don’t exist in real life, or if they do, they are incredibly hard to come by, use, and don’t work how you’d expect them to. The following diagrams more or less sums up the difference between how things look in your head, and how they are in real life.

I beg people to take this seriously. While lightsabers, chainguns and flaming katanas may sound cool, they aren’t going to help you survive.

Saturday, March 20, 2010


Ever thought that high jump would be more interesting if it involved rockets and grenades? If discus involved decapitations? What if the 100m sprint involved magic and teleportation? If in diving the contestants exploded before hitting the water? If the answer was yes (which it was, wasn’t it) than the oLANpics are for you.

The oLANpics are designed to combine the hardcore grittiness of flaming football with the elegance and beauty of flaming ice skating, mixed together in the most horrifically violent way possible.

Why the oLANpics are better than the Olympics:

  • Excessive violence
  • Death!
  • Rockets
  • It’s not a cheap rip off
  • Death!
  • Super Powers
  • Fast Paced Action
  • Death!
  • Shorter Opening Ceremony
  • Death!
  • Awesome Mascots
  • And, of course, Death!
You can be part of the oLANpics too!

But how in world am I meant to get a rocket launcher from you ask. The truth is, you don’t need one! All you need is a computer, and unless you are reading this by a gross misuse of magical powers you already have one! Now all you need is to get yourself some multiplayer games. Now just make up some crazy sports and send them in with your results.

But what’s to stop me from cheating and sending in impossibly high scores? Well, here at The Battle of Yonkers we have an incredibly advanced and complex screening system where all entries are viewed by Yoshi. Not even the most cold heart bastard could lie to Yoshi.

And, of course, no major sporting event would be worth watching unless it had obnoxious amounts of corporate advertising, so to end, here’s a word from our sponsors.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Dangers in a Zompocalypse

As expected in a world full of the living dead whose whole purpose is to try and rip you limb from limb and devour your flesh, there are some dangers involved. The section is to try and help you recognise some of the potential dangers in order to help you survive. These dangers, obviously, cannot be simply displayed in list form, you need to display them in a complicated and confusing graph first.

Super Zombies
Super Zombies, you may have noticed, are always up the top. This is because (in this book at least) they are defined as zombies with powers equalling or exceeding those of a human. Can the zombies think and plan? Super Zombie. Run on ceilings? Super Zombie. Fly? Super Zombie. Pilot Fighter Jets? Super Zombie.

Now, if you can't see the dangers of magical, super zombies manufacturing mini death stars while pwning yo ass in Counterstrike you probably aren't smart enough to access the Internet to read this blog, so I'm not even going to address you.

Fast Zombies
Fast Zombies are pretty high up in the first stages because, well, they can run. If your minding your own business, water your plants, an undead man sprinting towards you is going to be more dangerous than a stumbling zombie who can't get past your picket fence.
During the great panic, getting knocked down by rioters can easily equal death as you CAN'T slowly crawl away. The simple fact that they can run AND they don't need to rest also makes it far harder to escape populated centres. However, when you are safe in your fort the zombies can run all they like into your ten foot thick steel wall.

Slow Zombies
As seen in my useful graph Slow Zombies only rate averagely. Unless you are taken by surprise (e.g. During a 1st Incursion) they don't offer much of a threat to those in the know *coughthosewhoreadmyblogcough*. The main danger in slow zombies is the psychological effect it has on people.
Starvation is not actually a major issue for most of the Zompocalypse if you are smart and prepared. There should be enough food in shopping malls and homes to get you through the great panic and to your fort if you've prepared one. Hopefully you have years worth of canned and dehydrated food stored in your fort. However, for the unprepared it is a vastly different story. Many will flee above the snow line following the "Zombies Freeze" mentality. Others will flee to sea with little forethought on what they will eat. Many of these people will have to choose between cannibalism and starvation.

Dehydration is slightly more of concern than starvation. While on the run many people will push themselves too hard and pass out. Others will find themselves running out of water during long drives or treks. Later, however, water can be easy to obtain for the prepared through water tanks, purification tablets, pumps, natural streams etc.

Other people are actually one of the greatest dangers. During the great panic riots will almost be inevitable. Rioting, looting and insufficient policing leads to many chances of being stabbed or at least trampled.
Later on, survivors may want to rob you or take over your fortress, and, unlike zombies, they have the brainpower to pull it off. Even when you are trying to retake the Earth some survivors gone made from isolation may be less than willing to relinquish their undead kingdom. Even worse can be booby traps set up to kill zombies. Noting says thanks for rescuing me like a home made landmine.

Often overlooked, disease can be the greatest of enemies. Many medicines require advanced laboratories for production, these will soon become unavailable. Even small cuts and infections can become life threatening. And remember, a single case of influenza can be spread and wipe out an enter castle of survivors. Even more terrifying is knowing that no amount of guns, no armour, no walls can keep this enemy out.