oLANpics

Ever thought that high jump would be more interesting if it involved rockets and grenades? If discus involved decapitations? What if the 100m sprint involved magic and teleportation? If in diving the contestants exploded before hitting the water? If the answer was yes (which it was, wasn’t it) than the oLANpics are for you.

The oLANpics are designed to combine the hardcore grittiness of flaming football with the elegance and beauty of flaming ice skating, mixed together in the most horrifically violent way possible.

Why the oLANpics are better than the Olympics:

• Excessive violence
• Death!
• Rockets
• It’s not a cheap rip off
• Death!
• Super Powers
• Fast Paced Action
• Death!
• Shorter Opening Ceremony
• Death!
• Awesome Mascots
• And, of course, Death!

You can be part of the oLANpics too!

But how in world am I meant to get a rocket launcher from you ask. The truth is, you don’t need one! All you need is a computer, and unless you are reading this by a gross misuse of magical powers you already have one! Now all you need is to get yourself some multiplayer games. Now just make up some crazy sports and send them in with your results.

But what’s to stop me from cheating and sending in impossibly high scores? Well, here at The Battle of Yonkers we have an incredibly advanced and complex screening system where all entries are viewed by Yoshi. Not even the most cold heart bastard could lie to Yoshi.

And, of course, no major sporting event would be worth watching unless it had obnoxious amounts of corporate advertising, so to end, here’s a word from our sponsors.