Lightsabers, Chainguns and Flaming Katanas

On my many voyages across the vast, turmoil sea which is the internet, I came across a group of people discussing their Zombie survival plans. While there seemed to be a good many of intelligent people with well thought out, practical plans, they were –unfortunately- swamped out by hundreds of people saying “Lulz, machin rokit launcer FTW, duh” and “I’ll be safe with my trusty laser gun”.

The number of these people concerned me deeply, and I am dedicating this article to all those people who will die in the zompocalypse.

To understand why people think a machine rocket launcher and a laser gun (do they even exist?) is a good idea comes down to one thing. Epicness.

For some reason these people believe that in a zompocalypse they will be able to be the hero. No more job, no more bills, no more mother-in-law. Just them, their flame-thrower and all the babes they could ever dream of. The problem with this is that most of these things don’t exist in real life, or if they do, they are incredibly hard to come by, use, and don’t work how you’d expect them to. The following diagrams more or less sums up the difference between how things look in your head, and how they are in real life.

I beg people to take this seriously. While lightsabers, chainguns and flaming katanas may sound cool, they aren’t going to help you survive.

oLANpics

Ever thought that high jump would be more interesting if it involved rockets and grenades? If discus involved decapitations? What if the 100m sprint involved magic and teleportation? If in diving the contestants exploded before hitting the water? If the answer was yes (which it was, wasn’t it) than the oLANpics are for you.

The oLANpics are designed to combine the hardcore grittiness of flaming football with the elegance and beauty of flaming ice skating, mixed together in the most horrifically violent way possible.

Why the oLANpics are better than the Olympics:

• Excessive violence
• Death!
• Rockets
• It’s not a cheap rip off
• Death!
• Super Powers
• Fast Paced Action
• Death!
• Shorter Opening Ceremony
• Death!
• Awesome Mascots
• And, of course, Death!

You can be part of the oLANpics too!

But how in world am I meant to get a rocket launcher from you ask. The truth is, you don’t need one! All you need is a computer, and unless you are reading this by a gross misuse of magical powers you already have one! Now all you need is to get yourself some multiplayer games. Now just make up some crazy sports and send them in with your results.

But what’s to stop me from cheating and sending in impossibly high scores? Well, here at The Battle of Yonkers we have an incredibly advanced and complex screening system where all entries are viewed by Yoshi. Not even the most cold heart bastard could lie to Yoshi.

And, of course, no major sporting event would be worth watching unless it had obnoxious amounts of corporate advertising, so to end, here’s a word from our sponsors.

Dangers in a Zompocalypse

As expected in a world full of the living dead whose whole purpose is to try and rip you limb from limb and devour your flesh, there are some dangers involved. The section is to try and help you recognise some of the potential dangers in order to help you survive. These dangers, obviously, cannot be simply displayed in list form, you need to display them in a complicated and confusing graph first.

Super Zombies

Super Zombies, you may have noticed, are always up the top. This is because (in this book at least) they are defined as zombies with powers equalling or exceeding those of a human. Can the zombies think and plan? Super Zombie. Run on ceilings? Super Zombie. Fly? Super Zombie. Pilot Fighter Jets? Super Zombie.

Now, if you can't see the dangers of magical, super zombies manufacturing mini death stars while pwning yo ass in Counterstrike you probably aren't smart enough to access the Internet to read this blog, so I'm not even going to address you.

Fast Zombies

Fast Zombies are pretty high up in the first stages because, well, they can run. If your minding your own business, water your plants, an undead man sprinting towards you is going to be more dangerous than a stumbling zombie who can't get past your picket fence.

During the great panic, getting knocked down by rioters can easily equal death as you CAN'T slowly crawl away. The simple fact that they can run AND they don't need to rest also makes it far harder to escape populated centres. However, when you are safe in your fort the zombies can run all they like into your ten foot thick steel wall.

Slow Zombies

As seen in my useful graph Slow Zombies only rate averagely. Unless you are taken by surprise (e.g. During a 1st Incursion) they don't offer much of a threat to those in the know *coughthosewhoreadmyblogcough*. The main danger in slow zombies is the psychological effect it has on people.

Starvation

Starvation is not actually a major issue for most of the Zompocalypse if you are smart and prepared. There should be enough food in shopping malls and homes to get you through the great panic and to your fort if you've prepared one. Hopefully you have years worth of canned and dehydrated food stored in your fort. However, for the unprepared it is a vastly different story. Many will flee above the snow line following the "Zombies Freeze" mentality. Others will flee to sea with little forethought on what they will eat. Many of these people will have to choose between cannibalism and starvation.

Dehydration

Dehydration is slightly more of concern than starvation. While on the run many people will push themselves too hard and pass out. Others will find themselves running out of water during long drives or treks. Later, however, water can be easy to obtain for the prepared through water tanks, purification tablets, pumps, natural streams etc.

Rioters/Survivors

Other people are actually one of the greatest dangers. During the great panic riots will almost be inevitable. Rioting, looting and insufficient policing leads to many chances of being stabbed or at least trampled.

Later on, survivors may want to rob you or take over your fortress, and, unlike zombies, they have the brainpower to pull it off. Even when you are trying to retake the Earth some survivors gone made from isolation may be less than willing to relinquish their undead kingdom. Even worse can be booby traps set up to kill zombies. Noting says thanks for rescuing me like a home made landmine.

Disease

Often overlooked, disease can be the greatest of enemies. Many medicines require advanced laboratories for production, these will soon become unavailable. Even small cuts and infections can become life threatening. And remember, a single case of influenza can be spread and wipe out an enter castle of survivors. Even more terrifying is knowing that no amount of guns, no armour, no walls can keep this enemy out.

2020

I was tagged by Penguins Quack and I need to write down where I think I will be in 10 years, but before that I need to give you all a bit of background information:

• 2012- The world comes to an end when Michael Atkinson is voted in as Prime Minister of Australia. Despite outrage from a large population his lies and propaganda convince the elderly and unenlightened into voting for him to "Protect the Children"
• 2017- Vast changes to the constitution have left Australia an authoritarian police state, with all forms a sex and violence censored from the media and other forms of entertainment.
• 2018- All games (electronic and physical) and television shows are banned for endorsing violence except Jenga, which is now our national sport.
• 2020- Penguins made out Australia to be some sort of magical world, while in reality that was just some crazy pipe dream of hers for taking too much whiz fizz (which is banned for being a dangerous drug). In reality it is a dark and gloomy totalitarian country which makes Big Brother look like a wussy four year old girl.

Now to me, in ten years time.

• By day I work as an accountant for a law firm, but by night I distribute illegal copies of Donkey Kong to teenagers.
• After three years of intensive research and trial and error I access the (now thought to be mythical) Internet. My mind explodes with the wonders I see. From online forums I learn about an underground organisation trying to bring back freedom to Australia.
• I get approached by a mysterious stranger via email. He asks me if I want to join the Resistance, which of course I do. To prove myself not to be a government spy I first must complete Half Life Episode Three (which was only just released in the U.S.A) on Expert and then play CS 1.6 for 48 hours straight.
• I get allowed entry into the Resistance and together we do numerous raids on the Government (for example, faxing 99 black sheets of paper to them.)
• In other parts of the world my sister is getting married to a rich Magistrate, I am allowed a visa to attend the wedding.
• While overseas I learn that the world is a utopian place, besides Australia. (Yes, even North Korea is beating us). I meet up with other, foreign members of the Resistance and concoct a diabolical plan based on a comic I read.
• Funding my plans by producing whizz fizz I am able to unblock the old train tunnels underneath parliament house (All underground rail systems had been blocked as a train entering a tunnel was thought to be far to suggestive.)
• 
• I load a train full of fireworks and send it on its way, to blow up parliament house!
• Unfortunately, the Government intercept the train and arrest me. After an extremely quick trial preceded by the Honourable and Immortal Chief Justice Extreme Leader for Life Michael Atkinson Himself I am to be punished as humanely and non-violently as possible.
• 5th of November- My public hanging is under way. At the bottom of the drop where my neck is cleanly broken government house (which is situated conveniently behind me) explodes into a massive shower of dust. The people rise up against their oppressive government and create the perfect society. It is all very cinematic.
• For those of you wondering, due to overpopulation the Facebook group for "6 000 000 000 000 000 to rebuild the death star" was successful in its goal and the resistance pulled a few strings to use its destructive forces for good.
• So all in all I suppose 2020 will be a good year (except my death) with freedom being restored to poor old Australia.

Armour

In the midst of a zompocalypse there’ll be the threat of being bitten, shot, stabbed, slashed up, punched, kicked, cut, scratched and generally pushed around. As society breaks down access to medicine and bandages will become nearly non-existent, even a small scratch –if infected- could lead to your demise. To avoid getting infected you need to avoid getting scratched, and how do you avoid getting scratched? The answer is armour!

Below I will outline the different types of armour available to you and their basic attributes. I will, later, go into more detail for each specific armour type in their own article.

Plate Armour

Plate Armour is made of large metal plates that cover the chest and sometimes the rest of the body as well. Plate armour is very effective against swords, spears, pikes and to some degree arrows. Plate armour is, however, heavy and restricts movement. It is also useless against firearms.

Chain mail

This armour consists of thousands of small metal rings linked together. It offers good defence against slashing attacks as well as thrusting and piercing. It is less effective against blunt force trauma than plate armour and is also ineffective against firearms. While it is more flexible than plate armour it is also somewhat heavier.

Kevlar Vest

A Kevlar vest is a sort of fabric which is bullet proof to regular firearms. This makes it very ideal if you are going somewhere where there are hostile survivors. Kevlar is also moderately light weight and flexible allowing good freedom of movement. Remember, even if you are wearing a bullet proof vest you can not simply ‘shrug off’ bullets. Being shot, while not killing you, is likely to wind you, bruise you and can even fracture ribs. Also remember that zombies don’t use guns, and they are more likely to bite you on your limbs than your chest.

Riot Gear

Riot gear often consists of plexiglass shields and face visors, body armour for the chest, arms and knees. This riot gear can be very useful as it offers protection against melee combat, thrown objects and even small arms fire. The clothing and face guard will protect all most all of your body from being bitten. Another pro is that riot gear is actually produced at a fairly large scale now-a-days (unlike Plate armour and chain mail), meaning you might actually get some!

Clothing

Just regular, everyday clothing can be one of the greatest types of armour. If you think that it is unlikely for you to be shot or to run into hostile survivors a sturdy pair of jeans and a long sleeved short can give you suitable protected against small scratches and even bites. Try and find a leather jacket, comfortable and broken in hiking boots, a cap, thick leather gloves and jeans.

Important Notes

Remember that your enemy will most likely be zombies. They scratch, bite and claw and you should concentrate on being protected from these. Chain and Plate armour will just hinder your movement, riot gear and Kevlar will eventually weigh you down. Armour like this should only be used when going into unknown, possibly hostile territory. Because, even though you might feel epic as a knight in shining armour or as a commando covered in full body armour, freedom of movement is your greatest asset against your zombie foe.

Molotov Cocktails

In this section we shall look at what a Molotov Cocktail is, how to make when, when and how you can use them effectively and a summary of pros and cons.

What is a Molotov Cocktail?

A Molotov Cocktail is a makeshift incendiary weapon, or a form of grenade. Molotov Cocktails usually consist of little more than a glass bottle, a rag, petrol and a lighter. The bottle is filled with petrol, the rag stuffed down the neck and then lit. The cocktail is then thrown and upon hitting the ground and shattering creates a stream of fire.

NOTE: Molotov Cocktails do NOT explode under normal circumstances. Upon shattering they can create a fireball, but will often just cover an area with burning petrol.

How to make a Molotov Cocktail?

As stated above you only need four basic ingredients to make a delicious and elegant Molotov Cocktail:

• A Glass Bottle- Other containers can work, however glass bottles are breakable, common and easy to throw.
• A Rag- Can be substituted for anything else that could be used as a fuse. Usually soaked in alcohol or kerosene.
• Petrol- Can be substituted for another flammable liquid.
• Lighter- This could be a cigarette lighter, matches etc. Something to light the rag/fuse.
• Tape- This fifth ingredient is optional, however should be used if possible. Tape the rag to the bottle to make sure it won't fall out while also patching up any petrol leaks.

You than mix all these ingredients together as shown in the below, helpful diagram: (Whoo! MS Paint!!)

(*Crap! I forgot the tape! But surely you get the idea)

For a slightly better diagram I suggest typing Molotov Cocktail into Google images.

Storing Molotovs

If in a stationary defence (e.g. a fortified house or other building) you can easily store rows and rows of pre-made Molotovs on a shelf.

If you are on the move it is best to have only one to three cocktails with lids securely on. Either strap the fuses around the bottle or keep them nearby.

Remember: Standard petrol Molotov Cocktails are very stable, shaking them about won't cause them to explode. This can't always be said with other flammable liquids.

Using a Molotov Cocktail

The following four step diagram shows how to use a Molotov cocktail in a Zompocalypse (Because using them any time else WOULD be ILLEGAL).

Whether you should use a Molotov Cocktail you've made depends on three factors:

• Zombie Class
• Zombie Flammability
• Environment

To expand:

Zombie class is very important. Slow zombies will spend more time in the flames than fast ones. Smart ones might avoid the fire altogether.

Zombie Flammability is even more important than class. If the zombies are fire resistant for some reason Molotovs are useless. Some Hollywood zombies explode violently when in contact with flames, why they would do this remains a mystery. It is safest to assume that they will burn at the same rate as a live human.

Now combine this with the above and you’ll realize why this is so important, and remember: What’s worse than a fast zombie running at you? A fast zombie running at you on fire.

Environment is possibly the most important factor you must consider before actually throwing a Molotov. Just ask yourself, would a large stream of unrestrained and probably uncontrollable fire be dangerous in a place like this? If you are in a wooden shack or a fireworks factory the answer is most likely going to be yes.

If you are in an empty parking lot or a quiet street you are probably safe to throw about. Common sense is king here.

Strategies

Molotovs are rarely useful on the attack as the blaze will simply create another obstacle you’ll have to overcome (If thrown in front of you), or will block off your retreat (if thrown behind).

On defence they are more useful. Lob a few of these and make yourself a moat of burning fire! However, be careful that you don’t catch your own defences on fire.

Molotovs really shine while on the run. Being chased out of a shopping centre by a few ghouls? Throw a Molotov into the doorway upon exiting and burn those pursuing zombies! This is probably the best use of Molotovs, using them as area denial at choke points. Remember: Don’t block off a doorway or alley that you might need to go or backtrack through later.

Summary

Pros

• Easy to use
• Easy to make
• Can be highly effective (depends on zombie class)

Cons

• Can be dangerous (depends on environment)
• Can be ineffective (depends on zombies)